Anonymous asked: Dear Jim, will you fix it for me? I want to die but don't have the courage to do it myself.

Fine, fine. Easy enough, since you visit that terribly, well, outdoors restaurant…

Consider it done.

M

Anonymous asked: You dissapoint me. Is it really taking you THAT long to answer a simple question? Would it annoy you if i revealed the truth and told that our mutal friend SH managed to come up with a dozen answers in half the time it takes for you to think of one? Game Over Jim. Unless, of course, you have got a Q for me...

Well, considering that you can’t spell, use grammar, or understand a simple idea like rejection, I’m really amazed that he didn’t lose his temper with you.

Mutual friend. Sherlock Holmes may be a fool, who falls for things like sleight-of-hand when he’s upset - cute little fellow, not half as clever as he thinks, but he tries so hard - but he’d have to be in a permanent vegetative state to not drop you out a window.

You’re not clever. You’re an annoyance. You’re a waste of time, and it would be a waste of resources to have you disposed of, but I might just do it anyway. My question to you is, can you outrun a tiger?

I don’t play with your type. 

I just feed you to my pet.

M

aatropos asked: Dear Jim, will you be my valentine?

Aren’t you a polite girl!

You can have a heart. It’s - well, it’s mine in that I own it, but it’s not from my chest-cavity; had it lying around, you know. In a jar. Should be nice and fresh.

I like normal people. You’re all so cute, clustering around to get daddy’s attention. Well, you have it now. I’ve noticed you.

I wonder if you quite understand what that entails, Valentine.

hire-a-hit:

consult-a-criminal:
Dear Jim, please will you fix this for me: soon there will be my chemestry exams. But I really have no time for learning. I am somewhat addictet to your fariy tales. Please release more of them. There are definitly better than those chemestry books. And by the way: it would be also helpful if you could provide me with the solutions for my exams. Passing chemestry with A instead of B will definitly open ways for me… So please, du your best
 Anonymous

Oh, what, you expect me to -

No.

Noooo - if you’re not offering a reward or a challenge and you can’t - spell? What -

Excuse me, I think I need to field this one to an associate of mine.

>This one, Colonel. 

I’m on it. 

That’s my boy.

See, when you hire someone, this is the loyalty you’re looking for. One in a hundred million, this. And he’s efficient, too. Best of both worlds.

(Source: askcolonelmoran)

(Reblogged from askcolonelmoran)

Anonymous asked: Dear Jim, please will you fix this for me: soon there will be my chemestry exams. But I really have no time for learning. I am somewhat addictet to your fariy tales. Please release more of them. There are definitly better than those chemestry books. And by the way: it would be also helpful if you could provide me with the solutions for my exams. Passing chemestry with A instead of B will definitly open ways for me... So please, du your best

Oh, what, you expect me to -

No.

Noooo - if you’re not offering a reward or a challenge and you can’t - spell? What -

Excuse me, I think I need to field this one to an associate of mine.

>This one, Colonel. 

Anonymous asked: Dear Jim, would you be interested in shooting yourself on top of a hospital

(I set up the cases, so I don’t see why I can’t keep footage. I like mementos.)

Cute, Anonymous. Super classy. I’ll get right on that.

I have plans. A million of them for any situation. My mind is never tranquil, never quiet, always working. Hate to splatter that across the concrete too early.

YOU might want to try it, though. I hear it’s relieving for people who’ve got swollen heads like you.

shedealtherprettywordslikeblades asked: Dear Jim, please will you fix it for me: the police are learning too much, and I'd rather not go to jail for triple-homicide.

Oh, that’s boring. You’re all so vapid! Can’t even get yourself away from a few dull police officers? Tut tut!

You’re boring now. Dull. Vacuous in the spectacular emptiness of this. You have to ask yourself - would M find this request entertaining? Could he turn it into something fun?

If the answer to that is no, then the answer to this is no.

If you can find a way of giving me a laugh out of it, then just go right ahead and message me again, but I…

I don’t like to be bored by people. I don’t like to have my time wasted. So think before you ask.

-M

shedealtherprettywordslikeblades asked: Please Jim, will you fix it for me: the boy that used to bully my brother is coming back for a visit, and while I would prefer that he never arrive, I would also be satisfied if he left in bite-sized pieces, whichever suits your fancy. Oh, and by the way, you do look lovely in a crown. Suits you to a T.

Bite-sized pieces I can do! Hmm. I’ll email you with further details of your role, and the necessary… cost.

-M

brokilaufeyson asked: That sounds delightful, and I meant international relocation all along. As far away from these... people as is possible.

I do so love when people are vague. 

When the crate arrives, just push it outside, and climb in, and wait. It shouldn’t take long. Can’t have it looking like you’re the only survivor, after all.

-M

brokilaufeyson asked: Dear Jim, please will you fix it for me, to get rid of a certain group of people in my class, or, preferably, to find a way to get me out of this pathetic excuse of a school, away from the people I know, so I can do something productive with my life?

Oh, oh my. A  whole group. What fun.

Well. You see, I’ve been recruiting. It’s a useful time to test people, so let’s see - creativity. I’ll split the group up, first - one or two victims to each of my (hopefully) imaginative new employees.

And then, I’ll relocate you, and mail you. All. The. Pieces.

Oh I do so love when you silly little people start to get malicious. How do you feel about international relocation? 

-M